{Day 27} Real Marriage Part 4: The Myth of Quality Time

I was not one of those girls who went to college to get her Mrs. Degree. I went to get my actual degrees and it just so happened that I met Mr. along the way. 

It was fine with me if marriage and children didn't come until later, but love hit us like a freight train and we married the summer after college. We didn't try to slow it down or delay life together. We said our I do's and jumped headlong {and clueless} into marriage. 

He knew I was a fiercely independent spirit when he married me, knew I didn't feel I needed a man. We had a few tiffs about it during our courtship. The thing he loved most, my independence, was also one of the things that made him a tad nervous.

He knew I had plans and dreams of my own, plans for more education and plans for career. He knew I appreciated rich friendships and my own hobbies. 

I didn't have a husband who pinned me down, micromanaged, or monopolized. For years now, he's given me freedom to work or not to work. He's kept the kids while I've gone to visit friends and family and even traveled abroad. And all of these years I've thought to myself, What a lucky girl I am to have a husband who allows me the freedom to go and do and be.

He thought he was doing the right and good thing, giving me a break and some freedom when I needed it. I thought it was a good and right thing too. We both took pride in our modern, freedom-granting sensibilities. 

But all of this going and doing and being? It came at a price. Time apart is obviously not time together. It's embarrassing to confess that we never really considered the toll that extreme independence takes on a union. 

It probably goes without saying that individual freedom was both a cause and a symptom of breakdown. Marriage was hard, communication strained. A little freedom seemed like a fine solution, even though it was probably a unconscious decision. 

And it's okay that we all need a break sometimes. Work is tough. Family life can be stressful. Marriage is complicated. 

Even now, we're not against individual pursuits of our unique passions.

But too often, we used our precious "free time" to travel along our own trajectories. We didn't really cultivate activities we could do together. We weren't intentional about setting aside time in the midst of the daily grind for us to connect in simple but meaningful ways.

Without even realizing it, we'd begun to believe the myth of quality time, the idea of creating "better time" to make up for lost time. 

But the occasional date night, vacation, or movie night on the sofa can't make up for conversational intimacy cultivated day to day. The occasional anything can't settle down deep next to habit.

A couple of months ago an older, wiser woman talked to me about this issue and I've been thinking about it ever since. She told me that it takes spending all kinds of time with someone to really know them. All time is quality time. 

It's true. You can't cram the richness of the accumulated mundane into a capsule labeled "quality time," swallow it whole, and then expect a relationship to flourish. 

Relationship takes time together. Not fun time, not special time, not romantic time. Just time.

For us, independence created too much space and distance. It may not be the case for everyone but it did in our situation. 

Though we've endured real crises, we believe that a key battle was lost in the everyday. It's why we've become vigilant about protecting our time together more than ever. 

Yes we can still spend time with friends. Relationships and community are vital. We still have hobbies. But we're spending more time together with others and we're becoming more invested in one another's passions and pursuits. It doesn't mean that we cease to be who we are as individuals. It simply means that we take this "one flesh" thing seriously, creating disciplines and practices so that the theoretical becomes real life. 

We've also become careful about the things we say yes and no to. In the past, we simply didn't consider these realities. Now we know that we can't afford not to. 

This is not the way of our culture. And it's a whole new way of living for us. We're not against pursuing one's dreams. But we're learning that these things all have their proper place and time. One can't say yes to everything in every season. 

But saying yes to the best thing casts a new light on other things. Pastimes and practices that once seemed super fun and important now feel very, very optional. 

As we say yes over and over again to time for us and simple everyday transactions, we marvel at the new connectedness rising up out of ordinary life. We're learning that quantity time makes quality time. 

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